Abuse happens when someone does something harmful to you. There are different kinds of harm: mental harm, physical harm, financial harm, and sexual harm. I feel like I have been harmed in some of these ways, by people I have trusted. Some people think that they are helping me, but sometimes they are harming me. Some people have told me they loved me, but I know they didn’t. This is a kind of abuse too.
When someone invades my personal space, I feel abused. Because of my disability, I need people to do specific things for me. But when people take over my life, that’s going too far.
One of my attendants made plans for me constantly since I was 15. I thought I was having fun but I really wasn’t. She was really controlling. She took me to violent movies like Warhorse, but she also took me to the ballet (Alvin Ailey), and concerts (Blind Boys of Alabama). These were nice but I was miserable because I wasn’t interested and it was never my idea to do any of that. This made me depressed but I let it happen because I felt she had authority and I had no rights. After too many years of this, I got rid of her. I realized that I was the one who should be making the decisions in my life.
Because of this experience, and other experiences like it, now my guard is up. I refuse to let anybody control me. Whenever someone tries to look over my shoulder at my communication device “just for fun,” I feel abused. When people have ignored me when I’ve told them I needed to go to the bathroom, I feel abused. I have gotten urinary tract infections from holding it in too long. Some of my attendants have ripped away my communication device because they did not want to hear me. I started screaming for my mom, hoping that she would come down and call my caseworker.
Another time, I was on my way to a class at my community college. My attendant was driving my chair for me. I was getting into an elevator that was too small for a person in a power wheelchair. She obviously wasn’t paying attention to the space or my body and BAM! she ran me into the fucking elevator wall. I screamed and she pretended that she didn’t hear me. If I run into a wall and scream, then I’m hurt! I finally went to the hospital and I found out that my ankle was fractured and I had to be in a cast for six weeks. See “My (broken) Left Foot”for the rest of the story. I had already noticed that she didn’t care about me. She even told my mom that I didn’t communicate! That made me depressed and I didn’t want to communicate with her at all. But I did fire her ass. Now that’s communication! I can’t stand it when people ignore me. That is as cruel as physical abuse.
I was in an abusive relationship with a man for nine years before I realized how he was abusing me. Let’s call him “Elvis.” He was jealous of my attendants and people who were close to me. He forced himself into their business and told me I didn’t need attendants. But he used them for personal care and never paid them. He ate my food and never chipped in for it. When we went anywhere, I always ended up paying. He made me sleep naked. After I bought all those cute negligees! I guess I was trying to please him. God only knows why I let this happen. As a disabled woman it is hard to find love and I just wanted a boyfriend.
He got even more jealous of my attendants. He drove some of them out of my life when he made them hurt their backs transferring him. I almost let him move in with me. He was telling everybody he was moving in with me. Then, one day, I started to feel depressed when I was with him. I knew that he didn’t care about me. I realized that I made the biggest mistake ever by keeping him.
One morning we were in bed naked when the overnight attendant came in and he got hard. She asked me if I needed to get up. I said yes but he grabbed me and wouldn’t let me out of the bed. The attendant pulled me away and took me out of the bed. I think I needed air because I couldn’t breathe. Later that day after he left I wanted to go shopping to get out of the house (My blog about shopping is coming soon). I almost always have fun shopping but this time I was so angry that I went home without buying anything. Oh yeah, I did buy some candles to get rid of his scent.
The next day my attendant told me that she felt uncomfortable with him and so did I. I thought “If he is going to move in with me this won’t work.” So I texted my mom and told her: “I can’t take it any more. I’m going to break up with Elvis.” She came over to talk to me. My caseworker came over to help me write an email to him. But I said “I can’t do this.” So she suggested sending the email to the counselor at the program we were in. The email said “Please tell Elvis to not contact me again. Don’t come by my house. Don’t call me any more.”
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