Trust
Trust is being able to rely on people and especially knowing that they will be there for me. I had to learn to trust from an early age because I have been disabled since birth and I’m dependent on other people to take care of me. My trust has been betrayed a lot.
Some people I always trust. My family has always been here for me, and I know they are going to take care of me. When I was a baby, I didn’t have much to worry about. My parents took care of my needs. When I got older, my parents had to hire people to take care of me because they had to go back to work. My parents had to trust the people they hired. Sometimes these people were not trustworthy, and they had to be fired.
By the time I was fifteen, I had to learn to trust. It was difficult for me because I was learning to speak up. I had to say “I don’t like what you are doing,” and I had to trust that I would be safe. For a while I trusted an attendant who I felt completely safe with. I could tell her what I liked and didn’t like and she asked if I was OK. After a while things changed. I started noticing that she would try to control me by planning my life. I couldn’t speak up because she took over. If I said, “I don’t want to do this,” she got angry, and that made me feel unsafe. So I stopped speaking up to her. This went on for years. I couldn’t trust her anymore, and I didn’t feel safe either. I had low self-esteem. I finally fired her, and she had no idea why.
I trusted my boyfriend for nine years until he betrayed me. He wanted to move in with me and not contribute to my rent and other expenses. He used my attendants and didn’t pay them. A few of my attendants felt uncomfortable taking care of him, and I never trusted that he would take care of me. I had to break up with him.
Some of my attendants had access to my debit card. At least two of them used my card to make purchases and take cash out of my account. I found out who was doing that in the past but I don’t know who the latest thief is.
Some people I haven’t trusted from the beginning. If I feel like they are invading my personal space, they won’t last long with me. Some people tried to get into my business and asked me about my love life. That made me so upset that I fired whoever did it. Someone else told me that I needed to believe in Jesus, and it broke my trust right away. If someone touches my communication device, I don’t trust them to respect me.
Now it takes a long time for me to trust people. People have to build trust, and I’m happy to say that I can trust my therapist and other professionals that work with me. When people start working for me, I’m watching them to see if I can trust them. I’m still not sure about who to trust and I always have to trust myself to be careful.
Last year I woke up to an empty house. I heard my door opening. It was my mom. I thought “What the ____?” My mom told me, “Nobody is here! I had a feeling something was wrong.” I had been left alone by someone I trusted, let’s call her “Gigi”. I was so upset that I couldn’t move. My mom called the agency and demanded that this person be fired. The agency said “We aren’t going to do that.” Mom said to my case facilitator, “You don’t fire people who leave your clients alone?” A few hours later another attendant, “Claire,” came to finish the shift. I really loved “Gigi” and her family, and I trusted them. But since that incident I have lost trust in all of them and I don’t want to see any of them again and I have been angry a lot.
Since then “Claire” and I became really close. She takes me on adventures. For instance, last Saturday we went to Treasure Island and to Pier 39 in San Francisco. I trust her with my life.
For the rest of my life I am going to have to trust lots of people, but it still hurts when somebody lets me down.
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