Trust

Trust

 

Trust is being able to rely on people and especially knowing that they will be there for me.  I had to learn to trust from an early age because I am disabled since birth and I’m dependent on another person to take care of me.  My trust has been betrayed a lot.

Some people I always trust. My family has always been here for me and I know they are going to take care of me. When I was a baby, I didn’t have much to worry about. My parents took care of my needs. When I got older, they had to hire people to take care of me because they had to go back to work. My parents had to trust the people they hired. Sometimes the people they hired were not trustworthy and they had to be fired.

By the time I was fifteen, I had to learn to trust. It was difficult for me because I was learning to speak up. I had to say “I don’t like what you are doing” and I had to trust that I would be safe.  For a while I trusted an attendant who I felt completely safe with.  I could tell her what I liked and didn’t like and she asked if I was OK. After a while she changed. She started to try to control me by planning my life. I couldn’t speak up because she took over. If I said, “I don’t want to do this,” she got angry and that made me feel unsafe.  So I stopped speaking up to her. This went on for years. I couldn’t trust her anymore and I didn’t feel safe either.  I finally fired her and she had no idea why.

I trusted my boyfriend for nine years until he betrayed me. He wanted to move in with me and not contribute to my rent and other expenses. He used my attendants and didn’t pay them.  A few of my attendants felt uncomfortable taking care of him and I never trusted that he would take care of me.  I had to break up with him.

Some of my attendants had access to my debit card.  At least two of them used my card to make purchases and take cash out of my account. I found out who was doing that in the past but I don’t know who the latest thief is.

Some people I haven’t trusted from the beginning.  If I feel like they are invading my personal space, they won’t last long with me. Some people tried to get into my business and asked me about my love life.  That made me so upset that I fired whoever did it.  Someone else told me that I needed to believe in Jesus and it broke my trust right away. If   someone touches my communication device, I don’t trust them to respect me.

Now it takes a long time for me to trust people.  People have to build trust and I’m happy to say that I can trust my therapist and other professionals that work with me.  When people start working for me, I’m watching them to see if I can trust them.  I am still not sure about who to trust and I always have to trust myself to be careful.