I’ve been taking anti-depressants since I was eighteen. I had a nervous breakdown in high school, just before I graduated. They calmed me down and helped me think clearly. But I’ve always been kind of depressed.
This past summer, around the end of June, my staff did not refill my prescription for anti-depressants. And I had no idea what was happening to me. One night I woke up pounding the wall. I was wired. The next day I started texting my mom with my feelings. Around mid-July, my mom was at my house and she noticed that there was no Zoloft in my med box. I had cold turkeyed off Zoloft! I had all the symptoms of what they call “discontinuation.” In the fall I took a college class but I dropped out because I was so depressed that I couldn’t concentrate in class or on my assignments. I found this website and it explains what I was going through. You can get an idea from these texts that I sent to my mom. Her comments are in parentheses:
06/27/15
I feel a little sick. I’m upset @myself. I’m frustrated that I can not write. Tummy hurts.
Four different symptoms and I didn’t know what was going on.
06/30/15
[past caseworker] lifted my shirt during a meeting. I absolutely hated her.
Hateful feelings. Not on the list, but that’s what was happening.
07/03/15
To be fair, last year sucked.
Feeling negative about everything.
07/06/15
Going to [past agency] was the biggest mistake. I hate [past agency director].
Blaming myself. Blaming the director of an agency.
07/10/15
Confused. About life.
Lost. Doubting my self.
I feel nauseous. Nervous.
Classic symptoms.
07/19/15
Everything turns out wrong.
Negative again
I’m sorry for hitting. I honestly have no idea what was going on.
Irritable
I’m going backwards. So scary. Maybe I could volunteer @ da aspca.
(Mom: What do you mean about going backwards?)
In time. (Mom: Do you mean like watching kiddie shows on tv?)
Kind of.
(Mom: or your behavior?)
Yes.
Totally freaked out.
07/20/15
I’m in shock – about last year. I almost died. I’ve forgotten how to live.
Am I supposed to be dead? It felt like it. I will never forget it. It will always haunt me.
Reflecting on my stay in the hospital a year ago.
07/21/15
Ha – I’m alive. Pretty funny. (Mom: Yeah?)
Not funny “ha ha.”
Same.
07/28/15
I can’t sleep.
I’m nervous about camp. I don’t understand. I was pretending to trust.
I can’t rest comfortably. Come down.
I feel really off.
Starting to crash but still aware of my feelings.
I don’t feel right (Mom: In what way?). I don’t know. I want Vicky.
I don’t know how to speak up as well.
I want [former attendant].
[past agency] was the worst mistake I made.
I feel funny.
I want to do something with Max.
I wasn’t aware. Blaming myself. Grabbing at reality – Vicky & Max.
07/31/15
I feel horrible about [past attendant] – [past attendant] set me up. [past attendant] forced me to text [past attendant].
Confused thoughts.
08/01/15
I spoke up & I failed.
Negative about self.
08/02/15
Can’t sleep…
I think it’s important to talk about “Elvis” – call him a different name. The man was a big part of my life.
Sometimes I was in there.
[past agency] didn’t let me keep in touch with my attendants.
Come down please.
I want to stay with you.
Attachment to mom.
It’s important to recover my past.
Missing the past. I had lost the past.
08/04/15
I feel like it’s my fault that [attendant] quit, even though I know it’s not.
Blaming myself. My mind is still functioning.
O8/05/15
(Mom: How do you feel today?) – Restless.
Classic.
08/12/15
I would have died if Vicky had not run.
Hospital again. Vicky came and stayed with me until my parents got back from NY.
Feel sick, nauseous. Tummy.
More classic symptoms.
08/19/15
I’m extremely tired. I want a job.
Just feel awful.
Out of it. Confused.
Dr. [MD] says she can’t help me. (Mom: You asked her?) – She’s not an expert.
Feeling negative.
– I want [past agency] to shut down. (Mom: Don’t waste your brain cells.)
Negative.
I can’t sleep.
When [attendant] was working with me, I still wasn’t happy.
Negative.
08/21/15
I’ve made a lot of mistakes but this was the worst – Trusting [past agency director. This was serious. This was no boo boo.
Blaming myself and others.
I feel like you are blaming me for a lot. Not fair. (Mom: I thought she was like you. Boy, was I wrong about that!)
Blaming my mom.
I want to hurt her. I don’t say that very often.
Violent feelings.
People want me to be too independent.
Afraid to be independent.
08/25/15
Am I still with [past agency]? (Mom: No, why??) – It sure feels like it. (Mom: In what way?) – Threatened.
Scared of being hurt.
08/26/15
[past attendant] made it hard to thank people.
Blaming somebody else.
…My chest hurts.
Anxiety
I had to go through this for two more months. My MD thought I would get over the “discontinuation” symptoms soon. But it just didn’t stop. Then, my mom’s friend told her about a homeopathic doctor, Christine Ciavarella, who had helped her with severe depression. I went to the appointment and told her about myself and what was going on. I don’t remember the details because I was in the deep depression. She gave me a homeopathic remedy, “emerald” and suggested that I start taking a low dose of Zoloft, half the dose that my MD prescribed. I have been feeling more like myself. I’m interested in life. I’ve stopped thinking negatively about myself and the past.
But it’s not just flowers and fluffy pink clouds. Recently I was endangered by one of my attendants that I really trusted. Now I can say that I hate her. I felt haunted by ghosts from the past. Now I am back to real life and I’m ready to take charge.
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